Fear

A note: I have about ten different unfinished posts that I've started and never finished from anywhere from the past two weeks to the last year. I've probably spent quite a bit more time thinking about those. I started this about half an hour ago. It just sums up what's on my mind about several things I've been writing about, and I just needed to spit/vomit it out.

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If I don't face my fears, I will never overcome them.

If I want to face my fears, then I need to admit them. Here we go.

Fears about changes in my teaching philosophy:

1) If there are no grades, students will not work as hard. They will not feel the need to put effort in inside class. My evaluator will walk in and consistently see a bunch of students not doing anything. Since every other teacher has grades, work for those classes will always supersede work for my class. Students won't learn any math.

2) If there is no consequence for failing, students will not put in the work necessary to learn math well. I think I'm referring more to failing as a consequence of not doing the work. Students won't learn any math.

3) If I don't teach students the skills/procedures, someone who has them in future years will come back and yell at me. "None of the students who had you in Algebra 2 have any idea how to factor! What the hell were you doing all year?" Whatever you're teaching them, Zach, IT'S NOT MATH!

4) If I don't give students tests, I cannot accurately ensure that they can perform the necessary skills to be successful in later topics. I won't know if they really know how to do it themselves, or if they did it with help. They will not be successful in future courses where they have to take tests. Our school won't make AYP. They'll come ask me why my scores are so low.

5) If too many students have low grades, or if I don't teach "traditionally," or if I don't give them a "study guide" that tells them "exactly" what's on the test, they will

• Give up
• Complain about me to their parents, counselor, the department head, the principal, etc. that class is unfair, or that they don't understand anything, or that I don't explain anything, or that I don't teach
• Hate math

6) If I let students have extra time to finish tests/don't time tests

• They won't practice enough problems or study hard enough to finish the test within the amount of time usually allotted, so they won't gain fluency
• They'll cheat. They'll look up the answer. They'll ask someone how to do it. They didn't study hard enough, and they didn't know it. They'll just look up what the test problem was. They won't ever have to study, because if they don't know it, they can always go find the answer and not have any penalty.

7) (reiterating #5) If I put challenging problems on tests, students will complain to someone that I'm testing them on things that we didn't do it in class, or that I'm being unfair. Students will get low grades. Students will hate math.

8) If I do things a lot differently than the other teachers in our department/school, I'll be the crazy one. My students and my colleagues will tell me I'm not doing my job.

9) If I don't tell students exactly what to do, they will not know what to do. They will choose to do nothing.

Fears about what will happen if I don't face my fears:

10) Students won't learn any math. The skills and procedures I am trying to teach will be too easy for many students and too hard for many others. Many students will be bored and won't be challenged. They won't grow as much as they could. Many students will not be able to do it and will give up. They won't try, so they won't grow.

11) Students will learn math, and they will grow, but they will get failing grades. See #5 and #7 above.

12) Good students will continue to be compliant answer-getters. They will only do what is necessary to get the grade that they want. They will get good grades, most people won't complain, and I'll probably be pretty safe. I'll pass them along to the next course, and they'll be able to play the same game successfully another time. They'll memorize a bunch of shit without really learning any math. Students won't grow as much as they could have, however. If I'm happy with my C, then why do I need to try any harder? Kids who are good at this might like math. Some might comply and be pretty good at, but will be bored and passive. Kids who struggle will hate math. Kids will still blame me if they ever come across something that "we didn't go over enough." Kids will have no independence. They will continue to see learning math as the product of the teacher, and not of their own efforts. The cycle will continue, and the math classroom of 2090 will look no different than the math classroom of 1940, or the math classroom of 1990, or the math classroom of 2015.

13) If I don't continue my efforts to engage students in class, students will be bored and passively complicit (maybe, because they might just not even comply)

14) If I don't give students the opportunity and freedom to decide and figure out what they need to do, they will never learn how to handle it.

15) If I don't challenge students, if I don't let them struggle, if I don't teach them that difficulty and failure are good, they will never learn how to deal with adversity, and they will never grow as much as they could have.

16) The questions I'm asking them on tests will continue to be shit. Doesn't #6 tell me something about the quality of the questions I'm asking?